Manifest Emotions

I followed James in his daily routine today.  I watched him shift from his bed to a wheelchair almost entirely on his own, brush his teeth and wash his hands, and then, travel to the gym to stand while practicing a series of arm exercises that were extremely exhausting and difficult for him.  He was close to tears at the end of an exercise that involved raising his arm ten times along a padded wedge on a table--not only from the pain and effort of the movement--but from the frustration and sense of shame he had that such a simple gesture was terrifically challenging to accomplish.  His arm was shaking with the struggle to reach the top of the wedge on every arm raise.

James then spent an hour in group therapy which was filled to capacity with eight patients, each one with a serious brain injury. Today's group session focused on each patient sharing their own name, something about themselves, and then, naming a favorite person in their lives.  It was amazing to me how each person's vitality was self-evident and despite the differences in their cognitive capacities, emotionally, they were sharing a similar experience.  Everyone expressed frustration, confusion, and a deep sense of sorrow regarding the loss of their former identities.  There was also a sense of pride over recalled past achievements and thankfulness for the support of their loved ones. The facilitator asked them to summarize each other's profiles and it was touching to see each person attempt to describe their peers.  It was so tender.

James told the group that I was a source of support in his life and that today was my birthday.  James's psychologist who assists in leading the group suggested that everyone sing me happy birthday.  At this moment of birthday discovery, a few of the group members clapped with pleasure.

It was the most heartfelt rendition of the song that has ever been sung to me in my life.  A few of the patients know James quite well now since they meet every morning together and have managed to retain James's history in their minds.  One patient in particular was crying with unadulterated joy as he sang to me.  It was a bit surreal being surrounded by these physically and psychologically wounded people serenading me with bare emotion completely channeling through them straight into me.

Much of the recovery process leaves the patients vulnerable in so many ways but some of this nakedness lends itself to a purity of spirit and humble presentness of being.  I was privileged to share my birthday with them today.

We took a rest after that for lunch and the application of his medications. His antibiotic treatment will end tomorrow.

James was outfitted with two resin casts today on both legs from the knees down.  I watched three beautiful women wrap his legs ever so gently with cotton bandages before applying the resin-coated wrappings that harden almost immediately.  I asked James if I could take a photograph and he agreed (he will definitely want to remember this later!).  I called the casting a perverse spa treatment and all three PTs laughed.  James was sitting on a raised table bed, legs bolstered comfortably and a pillow behind his head. It was very quiet in the gym because it was the tail end of lunch time and the space was empty but for us.  The casts will keep his feet in a dorsiflexed position for the entire weekend which is similar to having a continuous good stretch and proper alignment when in bed.  They will be removed Monday morning.  The PT wrote the dates of the application and removal of the casts on the casts themselves--graffiti which provides my birthday and Imogen's on Monday.  Perfect!

James also had his trach stepped down again, right before I left for the day. The doctors had to call around various departments in the Mt. Sinai system to track down this smallest size tube. James's doctor explained that most treatments no longer involve this last small step. They want to be sure to give James the time he needs to heal properly.  He is that much closer to having the trach removed completely and then, food through the mouth!  He will be overjoyed the day he is allowed to drink water whenever he desires!

I want to thank everyone for their lovely birthday greetings today, starting with Shanti and Nicole this morning on the PS34 playground and ending with the surprise birthday cake left on my kitchen table made lovingly by Barbara Campisi with a sweet gift card from the swimmers--THANK YOU!  Imogen and I ate at our favorite French bistro right on our street and saved room for the delicious cake.

It has been transparent day as far as love goes--the goose and the gander and the gosling too.