Right Now

I have had a headache all day.  I am on the verge of tears a lot.

I think it is too much to really write about. I think I have to keep this transition time a little private, for James's sake.

I will provide an update after James has been home for a day or so.

I am preparing the house for him, all the small details for his care.  I learned today that I am responsible for keeping him hydrated through his stomach tube by giving him water every four hours.  It brought home the enormity of my new role in his life--that he is dependent on me to sustain him, literally.

The rehab team has concerns about his hands. They feel as if the focus has been on getting him to walk and working on his neck, head, shoulders, trunk and posture that they neglected his hands.  I worked with one of the occupational therapists today who demonstrated how to stretch each part of the muscles and bones in his hands. Another aspect to work into our routine.

He is feeling sorrowful about ending his time at the hospital. I think those that know James well are aware of his sentimental side--the fact that he likes to be the last to leave at parties or lingers in doorways when saying goodbye.

Imogen decided that she wanted to watch Little Women tonight.  It's oddly resonant.  Imogen, B and I have lived together for these past three months without our man--a girl's house.

I need to get to bed.

I bumped into the landlord on my way to throw the garbage out.  He told me about his own mother falling down the stairs and that I should not let James walk by himself.  Can you believe the man?  He had the fatuous obliviousness to tell me that he was up all night worrying about James.

I was empty of anger though. It has completely evaporated.  I looked into his eyes and felt nothing, really.  The man is not worth any more energy on my part.  I am walking away from him and his ignorance.

It is time for me to step up and focus on the most important thing which is guiding James to becoming whole again.