BNDL
Imogen had a fever Saturday night and I knew that she would want me to stay home with her rather than find someone to watch her while I visited James at the hospital. I asked Charles if he would visit with James on my behalf and he immediately agreed. It was such a relief to know that Charles would be there today with him and would explain that I had to stay home with Imogen and her cold.
It was such a beautiful day out that it made me slightly blue thinking that the three of us would have escaped the city in the car and enjoyed it as a family. Instead, I decided to wash our bed linens and help Imogen with a science project and review her math homework. Ms. Karwinska, a teacher at Imogen's school, made us some incredible chicken soup which was the perfect antidote for Imogen's cold. Luckily, we had saved some of it from early in the week and it made a nice lunch for two in our sunny kitchen. I opened the windows to air out the apartment and our cat B was excited by the spring air and singing birds.
Charles wrote to let me know that he and fellow bandmate Paul, brought their musical instruments into Mt. Sinai and placed headphones on James with a small keyboard--they had a Bndl jam session. I am sure this pleased James and I am grateful that he had this chance to be brought into that musical head space with his good friends. It was such a relief to me that they were able to communicate with James and that he had a better day today. I may have provided the link to James's band before but here it is again, for the curious: https://soundcloud.com/bndl
James's doctor wrote to me after I sent him a message about the sleeping medication and my role with regard to giving consent for James's treatment at Mt. Sinai. He provided an explanation for his thinking on the sleeping meds and agreed to discontinue it since it appears that James's reaction was not what they had anticipated. I am glad that he replied and that I had the opportunity to express my views on James's treatment.
I am feeling slightly overwhelmed by all the moving parts of my life. The other night at 92nd Street Y benefit, I was talking with a friend and colleague from my work and he mentioned that I was now holding down several different jobs: my full time work at the firm (well, getting there), mother to Imogen, and caregiver to James. It is a lot to juggle and I am running to keep up, literally!
On Saturday, I was working on balancing my checkbook and looking over our finances as preparation to speak with an attorney to assist me in strategizing my financial future with a disabled husband when Imogen called out, "Aren't we supposed to be at soccer by 1:00?" and it was 1:00. For some reason, I kept thinking it was only 11:00. I lost two hours somewhere. We had to run to the field several blocks away. Afterward, we had to run to catch the subway to visit James before it got too late in the afternoon. Poor Imogen was sick during the day and I did not notice how tired she was until we were standing on the corner, eating popcorn in front of the 86th Street subway station. I looked up at the clock and it was 8:00! No wonder we were ravenously hungry.
I do not know how I am going to be a proper mother. My heart is constantly being pulled in two directions. I felt so guilty this afternoon when Imogen and I were walking arm in arm down the street to buy poster board for her science project. I was enjoying the sunshine on my face and felt momentarily satisfied for not having to rush uptown and figure out which trains were running. It turned to feeling horrible that I was relieved not visiting the hospital. I want James back as he was and then, feel selfish for wanting it so.
I am out of time. I have to get ready for bed and I made the mistake, earlier this morning, of trying to organize my overflowing closet. Half of it is complete and the rest of it is on the bed. Imogen is calling me to take a shower, must go!
Monday tomorrow. It starts all over again! Happy sleeping! Even B is meowing at me for something!
It was such a beautiful day out that it made me slightly blue thinking that the three of us would have escaped the city in the car and enjoyed it as a family. Instead, I decided to wash our bed linens and help Imogen with a science project and review her math homework. Ms. Karwinska, a teacher at Imogen's school, made us some incredible chicken soup which was the perfect antidote for Imogen's cold. Luckily, we had saved some of it from early in the week and it made a nice lunch for two in our sunny kitchen. I opened the windows to air out the apartment and our cat B was excited by the spring air and singing birds.
Charles wrote to let me know that he and fellow bandmate Paul, brought their musical instruments into Mt. Sinai and placed headphones on James with a small keyboard--they had a Bndl jam session. I am sure this pleased James and I am grateful that he had this chance to be brought into that musical head space with his good friends. It was such a relief to me that they were able to communicate with James and that he had a better day today. I may have provided the link to James's band before but here it is again, for the curious: https://soundcloud.com/bndl
James's doctor wrote to me after I sent him a message about the sleeping medication and my role with regard to giving consent for James's treatment at Mt. Sinai. He provided an explanation for his thinking on the sleeping meds and agreed to discontinue it since it appears that James's reaction was not what they had anticipated. I am glad that he replied and that I had the opportunity to express my views on James's treatment.
I am feeling slightly overwhelmed by all the moving parts of my life. The other night at 92nd Street Y benefit, I was talking with a friend and colleague from my work and he mentioned that I was now holding down several different jobs: my full time work at the firm (well, getting there), mother to Imogen, and caregiver to James. It is a lot to juggle and I am running to keep up, literally!
On Saturday, I was working on balancing my checkbook and looking over our finances as preparation to speak with an attorney to assist me in strategizing my financial future with a disabled husband when Imogen called out, "Aren't we supposed to be at soccer by 1:00?" and it was 1:00. For some reason, I kept thinking it was only 11:00. I lost two hours somewhere. We had to run to the field several blocks away. Afterward, we had to run to catch the subway to visit James before it got too late in the afternoon. Poor Imogen was sick during the day and I did not notice how tired she was until we were standing on the corner, eating popcorn in front of the 86th Street subway station. I looked up at the clock and it was 8:00! No wonder we were ravenously hungry.
I do not know how I am going to be a proper mother. My heart is constantly being pulled in two directions. I felt so guilty this afternoon when Imogen and I were walking arm in arm down the street to buy poster board for her science project. I was enjoying the sunshine on my face and felt momentarily satisfied for not having to rush uptown and figure out which trains were running. It turned to feeling horrible that I was relieved not visiting the hospital. I want James back as he was and then, feel selfish for wanting it so.
I am out of time. I have to get ready for bed and I made the mistake, earlier this morning, of trying to organize my overflowing closet. Half of it is complete and the rest of it is on the bed. Imogen is calling me to take a shower, must go!
Monday tomorrow. It starts all over again! Happy sleeping! Even B is meowing at me for something!
Dearest Jen,
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing, and Imogen, James, Bee and the rest of us all know it. Keep feeling that sun on your face, throwing open those windows and modeling that steadfastness ever softened with the depth of your thoughtfulness and kindness. I know it is all going as best it can because you would have it no other way. Love to all of you.
I left the headphones with him in case he wanted to jam solo, to himself. But Paul, James and I let it rip, no holds barred. The Casiotone, light sensitive theremin and mini-synth blended perfectly with the sounds of the machines.
ReplyDeleteAnd we pulled up the shades, let the sunshine in.
DeleteYou are accomplishing so much. You really do have so much to juggle. Sending you love and sunshine. xoxox
ReplyDeleteAfter dropping Reagan off to his Sunday Mandarin class, I stopped by Eastern States Buddhist Temple to pray. I prayed for my family. And I prayed for James. I prayed he gets well soon.
ReplyDeleteChildren don't need perfect parents; they need loving parents. Friends of mine who grew up in challenging circumstances--working single moms; limited financial resources, etc. are among the most resourceful grownups I know. I imagine it will be easier in this regard when James is reintegrated into your family life. Also, she has a great foundation. Also those very early years are incredibly important--psychoanalysts are on to something in that regard... Try not to be hard on yourself. xxx
ReplyDeleteWhat she said, in spades.
Delete