Starting Over

James had a great home visit.  It was an effortless transition in the car from the hospital to our apartment in Greenpoint thanks to Stephen's comfort in his role as driver and as an unconditionally loving friend.  It felt perfectly normal to sit in the backseat as a passenger and listen to Stephen and James talk together as we drove through town and over the bridge into Queens. 

James managed the stairs without hesitation and did not even rest on the first floor landing. The therapists had suggested leaving a chair for him to sit on but he waved it aside and kept going.  He walked straight through the door and into our apartment on his own two feet.  He sat down on the couch and our cat B came out to see him. She would not look at him at first which I found rather touching. She looked at Imogen, then at me, and finally, she turned her furry face to James. She jumped up on the couch next to him and he petted her face and head. We were all together again.

It was to be a short visit since we did not want to overwhelm him.  He had a bit of yogurt and ice-chips.  We walked around the entire apartment, including his studio.  I told him how I moved a few things around to keep his artwork safe. He had small, postage-stamp sized pieces on a desk top that I carefully placed in a container. I pointed out that I gathered his collage pieces and stored them in a shoebox.  I tried to leave everything essentially as I found it so that he would not feel that I had punctured the protective shell of his studio space.

Stephen stepped out for lunch and Imogen went off into her room.  James and I had a chat.

He was a bit forlorn.  It felt nice to be home but the weight of it was on him.  He was exhausted and trying to imagine how it will be to exist as a disabled person at home.  I told him that I would be all his therapists and caregivers rolled into one person. We would wake up in the morning and I would help him to shower, make him breakfast. Then, we would have a session of occupational therapy. I would give him upper-body stretches. Break for lunch.  Have a little physical therapy after that, more stretches, perhaps, some cognitive exercises thrown in there or speech therapy.  I said we would also watch movies together!  His routine would be similar to the hospital only better because he would be in his own home.  Therapists will stop by during the week and supplement what we are already doing together.

In other words, we will have a plan.

I am feeling slightly overwhelmed by it all but I am not letting him know that--I am acting confident, taking it as it comes. James surprised me by the skills he has acquired to navigate using a rollator which is similar to a walker but with a seat for resting and breaks like a bike.  He understands the space he needs to move with it and how to use it sit down and get-up.  He amazes me. 

I had not really thought that he would be eating by mouth. I assumed he would receive all his nutrition through the stomach tube. I have to add cooking to my list of duties!  I want to feed him appetizing food that tastes good but everything has to be mashed and blended to a specific consistency.  I want to be creative.  I was looking at the baby food food section at Whole Foods for inspiration or trying to think what tasty foods he likes already that has that texture--such as Baba ghanoush or roasted squash. 

Any suggestions?

I want to play him John Lennon's Starting Over. James idolized John when we were teenagers.  He has to know that I love him and that we are embarking on this new phase of our lives together.  I need him to hear, "But when I see you darling, it's like we both are falling in love again, it'll be, just like starting over...."