I like it when you're here

When we first arrived at Bellevue, the trees outside the building were bare with tightly closed flower buds. I recall looking out the window into the morning light highlighting the trees on those first few days while waiting for the information desk person to write my destination on the hospital sticker pass.  I told Imogen about the trees on that first difficult visit with her and that they would soon open into spring splendor.

Imogen went with me today to spend time in James's room. As with the previous day, I arrived to find James in need of nursing care and had to escort Imogen quickly out of the room while I went to find his nurse for the day. The nurse was waiting for another person to assist her and I explained that I was capable of helping. After some hesitation, she agreed and we worked together.  Once James was comfortable, I found Imogen in the downstairs waiting area and brought her back up to James's room. She was much more at ease today seeing him with his eyes open and she admitted to me that he appeared as he often did at home when he had a migraine and wanted to take a nap!  She could relate to him now!

James had requested that I bring him a stuffed animal which I did--a very cute black footed ferret that I bought for Imogen one night at the Whole Foods in Williamsburg.  James really disliked that particular branch of the store because it was in his old studio neighborhood. I could not resist the cute little guy, though, piled up next to boxes of beer and English cheddar.  James would wait in the car while I ran around the store trying to shop as quickly as possible.  I gave James the ferret (which I think we should call Frank) and he immediately held him tightly in his hand.  James has been gripping the side of the bed and I asked him if he felt dizzy. He nodded slightly. I also asked if holding something helped him to feel grounded, and he nodded.

I am not exactly sure what is running through James's mind right now.  It's a mystery.  James's brother Chris recovered from a stroke he had at thirty.  Chris tells the story of being in rehab and presented with various brushes and being asked to choose one to brush his hair.  Chris says he was rather insulted by such an obvious question but he did reach out and attempt to brush his hair with a toothbrush. At the time, he felt it was wrong in some way but he could not place why that would be the case.  I think James may be in a similar space.

Today, he took Frank the ferret and placed it beside his head, similar to a telephone receiver.  Imogen and I were both puzzled by it. I asked him, "What is it, what do you want?"  I moved Frank away from his head and he grimaced. I asked, "Are you in pain?" and he motioned toward his cheek, patting it.  I said, "Do your teeth hurt?"  He shook his head no.  I said, "Your back?" which often hurt him early on in his illness.  Still no.  Then, the obvious, "Your head?"  Ah, yes, that's it but specifically the back, where it meets at his neck. He managed to communicate that he did not like the pillows. After some moving around, we finally figured out the right type of pillow, he gave me the "ok" sign and he drifted off to sleep.

I wonder if someone taught him the ok sign either last night or this morning because he was using it often today.  It's not exactly an easy hand signal to do (circle with the thumb and pointer, three fingers up) but that's what he did repeatedly today instead of a thumb's up.

When Imogen was born, I labored mostly at home and then gave birth at the birthing center at Roosevelt Hospital in Manhattan.  I arrived around midnight at the hospital and Imogen was born approximately three hours later.  It was quite unreal. Our room felt like a bed and breakfast with homey lamps and a regular bed--it was incredibly quiet and nothing like a hospital room. My mother and James were with me and after the birth, we all went to sleep (the nurses brought in an extra cot for my mother and Imogen was quietly sleeping in a bassinet by the side of our bed).  We all woke up at dawn and it felt like a dream or that we had watched a particularly realistic film about giving birth and were waking to start a normal day, only, wow, there's a baby there!  How did it get there?

I feel the same way with James now. What the hell was that all about?  How did we get here?

I am ready, though, to start this new life with James. Imogen took the photo of the trees in bloom.  I suggested it as a coda to our stay at Bellevue.