Tu ressembles au Lazare affole par le jour

The team is preparing for the long holiday weekend and padding each day this week with extra sessions of therapy to make up for the reduced time on Monday.  James looked a bit wiped out when I arrived at the hospital and he still had an hour of occupational therapy left before the end of the day.

Jack, his occupational therapist, took James into the gym to do a few push-ups on the mat, starting from a position of being on all fours.  It shocks me to see James placing himself in what would have been in the past a fundamentally easy pose (playing horsey with Imogen when she was a toddler, crouching down to pull something out from under the bed) but has now become a revelation. James has the balance and strength to be on all fours?  He can do a push-up? Impossible!  I see James's desire to be equal to Jack's tasks, to show Jack that he's capable of reaching the goal. Jack has to remind James to breath because his concentration is so fierce--he's holding his breath.

Jack brought out a ball, placed a wedge on an elevated mat with a pillow on it, and created an exercise in which he would throw the ball to James who was in a seated position. James would catch the ball, lie back until his back was flesh with the wedge, reach his arms above his head until the ball touched the window ledge behind him, and then, sit up and throw the ball back to Jack with an overarching throw over his head. It was all quite spectacular for me to see. I told Jack, "James played water polo."  I could see James's eyes crisp, clear and pleased.

Jack said, "How deep is the water--playing polo--you have to tread water the whole entire time, right?"

James looked strong with his shoulders back, recalling his polo days.  During our summer visits in California with James's friend Robert, we would often find ourselves in a pool and they would toss a ball back and forth--right back to being teenagers again--James's arm and shoulder would ache the next day.

Jack threw the ball to me and said, "Throw the ball to James."  James stood up and Jack placed himself behind to spot him, just in case.  I threw the ball to James and he caught it with a gigantic smile on his face.  He had that devilish look in his eye because he remembered a specific time we threw a ball around together. 

A number of years ago, we were at Robert's pool in California. It was one of those spectacular days--bright, vivid sunshine that made the water shimmer in a fire of reflective surfaces.  Robert, James, and Imogen were playing monkey in the middle with a water polo ball--Imogen was on an inflatable noodle at the time since she was not quite a strong enough swimmer.  Imogen was keeping up with them though and I was so impressed that they had improved her swimming in the pool after only a few hours playing together. She was throwing the ball with one arm.

I jumped in and James said, "Come on, Jen, you play now, be in the middle and try to take the ball away from us."  I had watched James play water polo when he was in high school.  My first cheerleading gig was at one of his meets--I was a letter girl my freshman year. He was named the most valuable player.  I knew how aggressive the game could be and that James was an incredible player. His nose was broken in a game by an opponent that punched him in the face.  I always thought that it was an act of pure aggression on the part of the other player--I was not there to witness that game, it was lore.

I had an epiphany that afternoon.  I was in the water, getting ready to try to grab or knock the ball away from James once he threw it to Robert. He was all smiles, giggles, being his goofy sweet self, treading water, swimming around me, and then, in two seconds, he changed and rose up out of the water like a titan. It was terrifying. In all the years we had been together, I had never seen his face and body transform as it did in that split second. I was completely intimidated. 

He threw the ball to Robert with a one-armed power throw and then, his face instantly turned back to sweet James.  I was floored! That's why that guy socked him.  James retold me the story after I explained to him that he had completely scared me with this side of him I had not seen in the over twenty years we had been together.  He said, "I was swimming circles around the guy--he thought I was a big, goofy dork and then, I rose up and nailed the ball--he was furious at me--he thought I was this nerd and then, I slammed it--that's when he punched me in the face."

James and I threw the ball back and forth to one another in the gym. We were both grinning but it was exhausting for him.

Back in his room, he hopped into his bed.  I asked him if he had to use the loo first and he did, so I walked him over. Just as I was placing him in the bathroom, his attendant for the night came in and scolded me.  We must ring for the nurse.  I wanted to get some practice in but I should know better. There was a moment when he bobbled in the bathroom and I felt a shot of fear flow over me that he could fall right there and all the work he has accomplished would be wiped out. It was slightly terrifying.

James asked me to bring his datebook and I kept forgetting to put it in my bag. He keeps an annual datebook that he writes everything in--his daily schedule, how many hamburgers he eats, what he's read or seen on film--it's a chronicle.  He felt naked without it at the hospital so I remembered to bring it today. We started to go over it together and he realized he could not fill out any of the days he spent in the NICU. I promised him we would review the past few weeks together, based on my NICU notes as well as the dates of his various procedures. 

He asked me about the blog again--if I was writing in it every day so that people would know.  I showed him the blog and scrolled through the various entries so he could see the list of days.  He asked me to read the first one. I have not re-read anything I have written and actually, do not recall my own words.  I read the first one and found myself unable to finish because I started to cry.  He patted my hand.

James has risen from the dead.  It is surreal and unbelievable. James has gone through a tremendous transformation but so have I as his witness.  We have gone through this together.